50 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
5. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
6. I will not go to class skyclad.
7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
15. Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.
16. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
20. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."
21. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."
22. I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth".
23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
24. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".
25. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
26. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
27. I am not a tribble Animagus.
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
31. Sirius Black is not #24601.
32. I will not lick Trevor.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
34. I am not being repressed.
35. Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.
36. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
38. I am not a Pinball Wizard.
39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
44. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
48. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
49. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

Okay. I don't usually go in for fanfic, nor do I endorse anything like this so casually.

However, if you are a fan of the Harry Potter series, I strongly recommend Dumbledore's Army and the Year of Darkness, by Thanfiction.

It is a 25 chapter account of events at Hogwarts during Book 7, The Deathly Hallows. It is from the point of view of Neville Longbottom, and features many of the secondary characters from the setting, providing some extremely well-crafted characterizations which bring these otherwise duo-dimensional characters to life.

The writing is top-notch; don't look at the writer's bio until you have a couple or three chapters under your belt; what you discover about the author may astonish you. In any case, I found it to be more enjoyable than the original book upon whose timeline and events it is based (and to which it adheres). I read it over the course of two days; the missus just went to bed, defeated by fatigue, bemoaning the fact that she hadn't finished it, yet (having only really started reading it today).

Give it a whirl, and indulge in a hidden side to the final book in the Harry Potter series. =^[.]^=

The Austenites have been threatening to write that very book ever since DH came out! We *heart* Neville. Also, it's got to be a way more interesting than hundreds of pages of frakking camping.

Heheheh! Shiny! =^[.]^=

Oh, it's AWESOME good! The characterizations are dead on, and the author has an unusually good knack for just writing well. It's better, IMHO, than the book it's taken from, and a very satisfying read. =^[.]^=

I'm so loving it! And so is Mr. Hero. As are several Austenites and a couple of my coworkers!

I'm only stopping in long enough to make this post, because I need to get to bed, so I can't get up tomorrow and start reading again!

I'm reading the next Dumbledore's Army story, Sluagh... It takes place five years after the end of DH. It's a LOT darker, and goes some places that I'm not entirely sure everyone would be comfortable. There's a rather emphatic disclaimer at the beginning, and I've gotten nine chapters in, and things are getting very grim. It's as well-written, and presents some interesting new elements to the setting, but the portents of what lies ahead are not pleasant. I'm not certain how far the author is willing to go with the characters, even the mains, so I'm kinda dreading every new chapter.

I'll let y'all know (in general, non-spoilerish terms) if Sluagh turns any really nasty corners, in case anyone would prefer not to start it, only to discover they can't finish it.

Good stuff, though! =^[.]^=

Okay. I don't usually go in for fanfic, nor do I endorse anything like this so casually.

However, if you are a fan of the Harry Potter series, I strongly recommend Dumbledore's Army and the Year of Darkness, by Thanfiction.

It is a 25 chapter account of events at Hogwarts during Book 7, The Deathly Hallows. It is from the point of view of Neville Longbottom, and features many of the secondary characters from the setting, providing some extremely well-crafted characterizations which bring these otherwise duo-dimensional characters to life.

The writing is top-notch; don't look at the writer's bio until you have a couple or three chapters under your belt; what you discover about the author may astonish you. In any case, I found it to be more enjoyable than the original book upon whose timeline and events it is based (and to which it adheres). I read it over the course of two days; the missus just went to bed, defeated by fatigue, bemoaning the fact that she hadn't finished it, yet (having only really started reading it today).

Give it a whirl, and indulge in a hidden side to the final book in the Harry Potter series. =^[.]^=

I'm reading the next Dumbledore's Army story, Sluagh... It takes place five years after the end of DH. It's a LOT darker, and goes some places that I'm not entirely sure everyone would be comfortable. There's a rather emphatic disclaimer at the beginning, and I've gotten nine chapters in, and things are getting very grim. It's as well-written, and presents some interesting new elements to the setting, but the portents of what lies ahead are not pleasant. I'm not certain how far the author is willing to go with the characters, even the mains, so I'm kinda dreading every new chapter.

I'll let y'all know (in general, non-spoilerish terms) if Sluagh turns any really nasty corners, in case anyone would prefer not to start it, only to discover they can't finish it.

Good stuff, though! =^[.]^=

Major Sluagh spoiler.

Ray, if it makes any difference, I've talked to Mr. Hero, and I have two words for you--time and travel.

Y'know, I'm kind of conflicted about finishing it, now. Please thank Mr. Hero for me for boldly finishing what I couldn't stomach to do. That could make the difference for some folks reading the whole thing, if they can even stomach what happens.

Major Sluagh spoiler.
I thought there might be some sort of out, but I wasn't willing to chance it. Now, I have to decide if I'm willing to A) Read past/though the atrocity (which is still nightmare fodder), and, Accept a time travel gimmick.

Glad you and those you've shared DAYD have enjoyed it, though; there are also the author's series of 20 Random Facts About (Name) which are kinda shiny, filling out some character backgrounds. I do enjoy sharing good things with other folks! =^[.]^=

Mr. Hero's a good egg like that. His comments of the whole are that it's definitely better than your standard fanfic and generally all right. He said he knew immediately that my spoiler was going to have to happen, so he just read quickly to get to that point.

Anyhow, several Austenites are still reading and enjoying, even others like me who never read fanfic.

Here's a random fan-quote for you, based on these stories: Chuck Norris' Patronus is Neville Longbottom. =^[.]~=

Mr. Hero and I are going to see if we can work out a proper chronology for DAYD and DH so that they can be intercut. If/when we finish, I'll be sure to share.

Wow, that sounds awesome! Could make reading DH a lot less dreary (y'know, breaking up all the camping and such). =^[.]^=

Ray, I also want to thank you for the truly awesome conversation this has sparked at the Austenites.

*smooches*

Aww *earblushes!* Always a pleasure! =^[.]^=

And it would take entirely too long to explain, but it also lead to this:

O-kayyy... *Boggles!* =@[.]@=

The more I think about it, the more I think having a Neville/Parvarti/Hannah love triangle for a few chapters might have been a good idea. Good opportunities for Neville to be clueless and tactless and thereby grow up a little and learn something about women. Also good opportunities for Neville to learn the It's Not All About You™ (or more specifically, It's Not All About Your Penis™)lesson when his awkward love life threatens to disrupt the DA.

Trust me. It makes perfect sense. Here's a bit of commentary from Mr. Fanboys:

Well, I'll give Thanfiction this: He's a consummate craftsman. He writes well, and knows exactly what buttons to push to get a response from the reader. I agree about Neville, though it's nice to see someone give the boy credit for having the potential to grow up and out of Harry's shadow.

Here's a random fan-quote for you, based on these stories: Chuck Norris' Patronus is Neville Longbottom. =^[.]~=

Tooooooo funny...
I thought Neville grew up very well... and under the circumstances, it would indeed make sense.

It could have been anyone of those left behind, mind... but there was a point at which there was the possibility of there being someone besides Harry... I have to go back and re-read... too much time between...

Thanfiction is fabulous. He is adult and dark, tho. No more than what we've seen in L.K. Hamilton... I don't remember if you were a fan, Ray. I just finished Slough today... and frankly, it feels unfinished. I thought I'd see at least one more chapter... and some magical resolution to the variation in the time lines... clearly there IS, but I'd like to have read it...I'm sure he is capable... but he also may have grown tired of it.

Asimov had multiple stories in his file... and would switch off in between...

He's certainly prolific enough to come back later...

My personal tastes, tho, run to the long that I can sink my teeth into. Short stories and novels leave me feelin... well, wantin' more, sir.

There's another story after Slough, I forget the title. It's a work in progress, and picks up after Slough. Might have what you felt was missing, Ms. Singer. =^[.]^=

=-[.]-=

Okay, I have to protest. One of the best things about HBP was how totally creepy the young Voldemorts were. Not emo at all.

John Granger, a literary critic who specializes in Harry Potter, referred to the moment when Neville killed Nagini with the Sword of Gryffindor as "Neville's phallic symbol castrating Voldemort's phallic symbol."

Here's an interesting quote:

Sounds like a fine bomb, once the movie with that scene in it comes out. =^[.]^=

Okay, I have to protest. One of the best things about HBP was how totally creepy the young Voldemorts were. Not emo at all.

Wonder what House he's in?


=^[.]^=

Both are magnificent...
Hmmm. House...I'm thinkin Ravenclaw...

Now, rap your incantations!


=^[.]^=

*snort*

Will be seeing him at DC in two weeks. You are going, right?

Hell, yeah! Didn't know Tom Felton was gonna be there. Shiny! =^[.]^=

Thank goodness!


That's such a relief! =~[.]^=

=0[.]o=

Well, it IS a British boarding school:


"Um, Draco, what's YOUR wand made of?" =0[.]o=

Oh yeah? Then what's that bong doing on your desk, Snape?


=^[.]^=